The Purina Diet

I have a Labrador Retriever.

I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out, when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her no, and that I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in the Intensive Care Unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. Since the food is nutritionally complete and perfectly healthy, I decided to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, just hanging on my every word, particularly a tall, black guy who was behind the woman I was describing the diet to.

Horrified, she asked if ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, and went on to explain that I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought the black guy was going to need assistance as he staggered to the door, laughing uproariously.