It doesn’t hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

A couple, hosting a dinner party, were interrupted when the maid called the hostess to the kitchen.

“Ma’am, the cat climbed up on the kitchen counter and ate the middle of the salmon.”

Light on her feet, the hostess told her to replace the missing portion with canned salmon, then returned to her guests. As everyone enjoyed the fish, the maid summoned the hostess into the kitchen again.

“Ma’am, the cat is dead!”

The frightened hostess felt obliged to inform her guests and suggested everyone go to the hospital together to get their stomachs pumped.

Returning home after their long, expensive, and embarrassing ordeal, she asked the maid where she had put the cat. “Nowhere, Ma’am. It’s still out in the street where the car hit it!”

The Sheriff in a small town walks out into the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots. So he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking the cowboy up, the sheriff asked, “Why in the world are walking around like this?”

“Well, it’s like this, Sheriff,” the cowboy explained. “I was in the saloon down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to out to her home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt … so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull of my pants, so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts … so I did.

“The she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, ‘Now, go to town, Cowboy…!’

And here I am.”

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking older man in his mid-sixties, and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you’d better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”

The girl says, “I’ll go first.” She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. When the lion is about half way to her, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner’s mouth is agape. “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life!” he exclaims. He then turns to the older man and asks, “Can you top that?”

The older man replies, “No problem, just get that lion out of the way.”