I met a fairy today who granted me one wish.

“I want to live forever”

“My husband is in the car and he’s going to be angry that I stayed this long at your sale.”
“Oh, I’m sure he’ll understand when he see the bargains you’ve found,” replied the hostess.
“Normally, maybe, but he just broke his leg and we were on our way to the hospital!”]]>

On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state.

The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.

The soldier reported, “I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.

“We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

“I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.

“He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, good-for-nothing, left wing labor dickhead who knows bugger all about running the country.

“So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!

“He retaliated by yelling, ‘Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard!’

“And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.”]]>

“I’ll give you a bag of candy if you get in the car,” said the driver.

“No way,” replied the boy.

“How about a bag of candy and ten dollars?” asked the driver.

“No way,” replied the youngster.

“How about a bag of candy and a new bike?” quizzed the driver.

“No, I’m not getting in your frickin’ car!” shouted the boy.

“Okay. What will it take to get you in the car?”

The boy said, “Look, Dad: you had to buy a Volvo, now you have to live with it!”]]>

“Come have a look over here,” says Paddy. “It’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.”

“That’s nothing,” says Sean, “here’s one named Patrick O’Toole, it says here he was 95 when he died.”

Just then, Seamus yells out, “Good God, here’s a fella that got to be 145!”

“What was his name?” asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, “Miles, from Dublin.”]]>

Paddy watched with fascination as the pastor held his finger over a rabbit hole and soon, out popped a rabbit.

The pastor grabbed it and put it in his sack.

He repeated this weird but successful technique until his sack was full of rabbits.

Paddy couldn’t resist.

“What are ya doin’, Pastor?”

The pastor replied, “Before I go rabbit hunting, I insert my finger in my wife’s vagina. Rabbits can’t resist the smell. Then, when they come out, I grab ‘em.”

Paddy rushed home to find his wife Maureen bent over scrubbing the kitchen floor. He lifted her skirt and applied his finger as directed.

Without glancing up, Maureen giggled: “Holy Moses, Pastor! Rabbit hunting again?!”]]>

His friends were quite impressed.

“What wonderful photos!” said the host’s wife. “You must have a very expensive camera.”

The photographer just smiled and waited until after dinner, when he said, “Thank you for the delicious meal. You must have very expensive pans!”]]>

When Mrs. Blanco asked why, Consuelo replied, “I’m in the family way.”

Mrs. Blanco was totally surprised and shocked, and asked who the father could be.

“Your husband and your son,” replied Consuelo.

Mortified, Mrs. Blanco demanded an explanation.

“Well,” Consuelo explained, “I go to the library to clean it and your husband say, ‘You are in the way’. I go to the living room to clean and your son say ‘You are in my way’. So, I’m in the family way and I can’t do the work you hired me to do so I quit.”]]>