The Laird and his Good wife walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.
“Did you smell that food?” she asked. “Incredible!”
Being the good Scot that he was, he thought, “What the heck, I’ll treat her!”
So they walked past the restaurant again.]]>

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out, “Perhaps you should hear how all this came about…

“I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.

“She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style.

“She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought you for your birthday but you never wore because the color didn’t suit you.

“Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now.

“Then, just as she was about to leave, she asked, ‘Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use anymore’?”]]>

So he applied for membership at a local golf club.
About a week later he received a letter that his application has been rejected.
So he went to the club to inquire as to why:
Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, ma’am, my name is MacTavish.
Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?
Scot: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.
Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?
Scot: Aye, and neither do I.
Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?
Scot: Aye, I also do the same.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye, I be that.
Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?
Scot: Aye, I be that, too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting in the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs.
Scot: Ach, away with ya, ma’am. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus. But this is the first time I’ve heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.]]>

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”

Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”

Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and
continued. “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”]]>

The vet tells him that the parrot’s beak is too long which is preventing him from speaking. He says that he can file it down for $100.

The parrot’s owner thought that was rather expensive and wondered aloud if he could just file it down himself.

The vet tells him that it is a very delicate procedure and must be done by a trained professional. If he does not file enough, the bird still wont be able to talk, but if he files too much, the bird will drown while drinking his water.

The man decides to think it over and leaves with the parrot.

Several weeks later, the vet happens to meet the parrot owner who is looking rather down. He inquires about the parrot and the man replies that his parrot is dead.

“Did you try to file his beak down yourself?” asked the vet.

The man nods his head.

“And he drowned while trying to drink his water, right?”

“No,” replied the parrot’s owner, “he was dead when I took his head out of the vise.”]]>

“Why?” asked somebody from the audience.

“I watched my wife’s routine at dinner for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

One day I told her, “Honey, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?”

“Did it save time?” the guy in the audience asked.

“Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner…Now I do it in 10.”]]>

“What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?” John said as a joke.

“It would go out,” the co-worker replied in a very factual manner.

“Really?” John asked, surprised to hear that. “Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?”

“No, the force from the explosion would blow out the match.”]]>

Being the responsible type, the boy went to the Pharmacy to purchase protection. The pharmacist was very helpful and guided the boy for about an hour and told him everything there was to know.

The boy came early to pick his girlfriend, and her Mother invited him to join them for dinner. When they sat down, the boy, looking to impress her parents, offered to say grace then bowed his head. A minute passed, and the boy was still deep in prayer…5 minutes passed, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 10 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leaned over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were so religious.”

The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”]]>

“What about trying Viagra?” asked the doctor.

“Not a chance,” she said. “He won’t even take an aspirin.”

“Not a problem,” replied the doctor. “Drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it… Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.”

When she called the doctor he asked how it went and she exclaimed, “Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! It was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!’

“Really? What happened?” asked the doctor.

“Well, I did as you said and slipped it in his coffee and after just a few sips he jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!

With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!”

“Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?”

“Bejaysus, it was the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sitting here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!”]]>

The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began.”They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France.”

The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.

“Young ladies,” said the professor with a broad smile, “the next plane doesn’t leave till tomorrow afternoon.”]]>