An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.”

No one moved. The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.

I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. …

I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.]]>

1000 A.D. — That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. — That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. — That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. — That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

2012 A.D. — That antibiotic doesn’t work anymore. Here, eat this root.]]>

Hell is where the police are German, the chefs are British, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and everything is organized by the Italians.]]>

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution. “Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.”

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time.” “And if you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis… fifty times!”]]>

The rabbi says, “Haven’t you done enough?”]]>

She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs. The uniformed men proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

“Well,” he snarled, “what do you want?”

“I just wanted to know why you can’t ring it yourself.”]]>

One day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant for ‘enjoyment of food’. So he went to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from them. The manager said, “You’re enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it.”

Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, “Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it.”

The judge turns to Abraham and said, “What do you have to say to that?”

Abraham didn’t say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.

The judge asked him, “What is the meaning of that?”

Abraham replied, “I’m paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money.”]]>

“Ninety-six? What finally got him?” the other man asks.

“Liquor and women.”

“Well, that just goes to show you,” snickers the friend, “both will get you in the end.”

“Well actually, no, it’s not what you think,” says the first man. “Toward the end, Grandpa couldn’t get either one, so he just laid down and died.”]]>

He said to him, “It looks very scary here. Hope there are no ghosts over here.”

The other man replied, “I guess not. I have been living here since I died twenty years ago and haven’t seen one yet.”]]>

“I’ll never do that again!” he told his mother that evening. “I didn’t catch a thing!”

“Oh, next time I’m sure she’ll be quiet and not scare the fish away,” his mother said.

The boy said, “It wasn’t that. She ate all the bait.”]]>