“Fertilizer.”

“Whadaya gonna do with it?”

“Put it on my strawberries.”

“Gee. We put cream on ours, and they call us crazy!”]]>

He turned on the jockey.

“Flaherty, could you not have raced faster?”

“Sure I could have, but you know we’re supposed to stay on the horse.”]]>

Fuming, he asked the class joker in the front row, “Who, pray tell, was responsible for this atrocity?”

The joker won tremendous prestige with his reply, “I really don’t know, but I strongly suspect its your parents.”]]>

Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”

He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh, “let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”]]>

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, “If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!”

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, “Good morning, Onestone.”

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, “Good to see you, Onestone.”

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die!

What is the moral of this story? You can’t kill two birds with one stone!!]]>

The clerk pulls up a file and says, “The job entails getting ladies ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off any hair, then rub in soothing oils so they’re ready for the gynaecologist’s examination. There’s an annual salary of $55 thousand, but you’re going to have to go to Charlotte, North Carolina. That’s about 250 miles from here.”

“Oh, is that where the job is?” the young man asks.

“No, sir. That’s where the end of the line is right now.”]]>

He slowly surveyed her from head to toe and said, “Well, young lady, I do have three things to tell you.”

“First, you need to lose about fifty pounds.”

“Second, You’d look a lot better if you used about one-tenth the blush and lipstick.”

“Third, I’m an artist. The doctor is on the next floor.”]]>

Suddenly, a bottle floated into the shore and a beautiful genie popped out. She said “I have three wishes to grant. Each of you gentleman can make one wish come true.”

Friend number one got excited. He said “I wish I was in Las Vegas with dice in one hand and a drink in the other, surrounded by music, food, and beautiful women.” Instantly he was gone, his wish granted.

Friend number two smiled and said, “I wish I was back home right now with my wonderful wife and our two small children, at our log cabin in the woods sitting in front of the fire and singing Christmas carols together.” Just like that, he disappeared.

The genie asked the remaining man, “And what do you wish for?”

He answered, “Gee, I wish I had my buddies back to help me decide…”]]>

The next year things were different, however.
“The children came over in person to thank me,” the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.

“How wonderful!” the friend exclaimed. “What do you think caused their change in behaviour?”

“Oh, that’s easy,” the grandmother replied. “This year I didn’t sign the checks.”]]>

A student asked, “What’s the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?”

“Tense,” she replied, describing her emotional state.

After a slight pause the student tried again, “What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter?]]>