The farmer goes to town one day, and runs across his old buddy who is a tractor sales man. How is it going? Asks the farmer. “Not very good, I haven’t sold a tractor in two weeks” said the salesman, “How is it going with you?” “Not so good” replied the farmer. “The other night I went out to milk my cow. First she tried to kick me with her right leg so I tied her leg to the right side of the stall. Then she tried to kick me with her left leg, so I tied that to the left side of the stall. Then she swatted me with her tail so I tied that to the ceiling. Then my wife walked in and if you can convince her I was just trying to milk that cow, I’ll buy a tractor from you!’ ]]>

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”

“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”]]>

The guy says, “What’s wrong with her?”

The boss shows him a picture, and she’s hideous.

The boss says, “It’s only fair to tell you, she’s not only ugly, she’s as dumb as a wall.”

The guy says, “I don’t care what you offer me, it ain’t worth it.”

The boss says, “I’ll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island.”

The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.

About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he’s about to hang it on the wall.

He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, “Bring me a hammer.”

She mumbles, “Get the hammer. Get the hammer,” and she fetches the hammer.

The guy says, “Get me some nails.”

She mumbles, “Get the nails. Get the nails,” and she gets him some nails.

The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, “Fuck!”

She mumbles, “Get the bag. Get the bag.”]]>

“Oh, it was beautiful,” says the man. “The sun, the sand, we made love almost every night, we…”

His friend interrupts him. “A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?”

“Oh,” says the man, “we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday…”]]>

You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body…you sensed my indifference, so you started to bite my body without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me crazy while you sucked me dry.

Finally I went to sleep.

Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night’s events.

My body still shows your marks, making it harder to forget you.

Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you… as soon you appear I will quickly grab you and won’t let you go, will hold you with all my strength so you won’t disappear.

I won’t rest until I squeeze your blood out… you friggin’ mosquito!]]>

He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, “Over 35.”

He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, “Over 8 inches” and “Under 8 inches.”

Truthful again, he went through the “Under 8 inches” door and found himself in yet another empty hall, with two more doors reading, “Once a night” and “Over 4 times a night.”

Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked “Once a night” and found himself back out on the street.

The moral of this story is: “Always tell the truth and you’ll never get screwed!”]]>

Johnny : “Our house is very small. Me, my mum and my dad all sleep in the same bed. Every night my dad asks if I’m sleeping. I say ‘No’, and he slaps my face and gives me a black eye…”

Teacher: “Tonight, when your dad asks, keep dead quiet, don’t answer.”

The following morning Johnnys teacher sees him with a severe swelling on his face.

Teacher: “My goodness, why the swelling?”

Johnny: “Dad asked me again if I was sleeping. I shut up an kept dead still. Then, my dad and my mom started moving, you know, mum was breathing heavy, kicking her legs up an making moaning noises…

Then my dad asked my mum, ‘Are you cumin?’ Mum said, ‘Yes I’m cumin, are you cumin too?’ Dad answered, ‘Yes’…

They don’t usually go anywhere without me so I said, ‘Wait for me, I’m coming too…’”]]>

The blonde student asked, “Is it on or off?”]]>

“What are you doing?” Simon enquired.

“Oh, I’m just stuffing the turkey,” his grandmother replied.

“Wow, that’s cool.” Simon remarked, “Are you going to hang it next to the deer?”]]>

When the boy stepped on the bus, the driver asked, “Is that your grandma?”

“Yes,” the boy said, “She’s come to visit us for Thanksgiving.”

“How nice,” the bus driver said. “Where does she live?”

“At the airport,” the boy replied. “Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her.”]]>