“I win!” said Johnson, at which point Henderson threw down his cards.
“That’s it! I’ve had it! Johnson is cheating!!!”
“How can you tell?”
Phillips asked.“Those aren’t the cards I dealt him!”

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Other guy: “Wow, that’s amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!”

First guy: “Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!”

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Turned to her friend and said, “And these people used to beat my ass for sucking my thumb.”

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The first woman said, “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob-job.”

“Oh, that’s nothing,” responded her friend. “I’m thinking of having my arsehole bleached.”

“Whoa!” replied the first woman.

“I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde.”

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The husband responded, “When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions. And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision.”

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“Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking Continental,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.”

“Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha’ doing when you get there?”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”

“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people are trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. “It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand, I knelt down, and he spoke a few words to me.”

“Oh, really! What did he say?”

“He said: ‘Where did you get the shitty hairdo?’”

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“My Mother-In-Law died yesterday!” said the first.

“Sorry to hear that,” replied his friend. “How did she die?”

“Well. She sat down in the chair, put her feet up, laid back closed her eyes, and that was it.”

“Hmmm. Suppose it’s a nice way to go.”

“Yeah,” said the first guy. “But the dentist wet his pants!”

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“I would do anything to pass this exam,” she said. Leaning closer, she whispered seductively, “I mean, I would do anything.”

He looked down at her and said, “You’ll do anything?”

“Anything,” she replied again.

His voice softened. “Anything,” he repeated.

She smiled and again said, “Anything.”

His voice turned to a whisper. “Would you…study?”

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Whispering under her breath, the wife says, “No darling, we can’t do it here, our kid is watching!”

Husband replies, “You’re right, lets go to the beach.”

After a while they make their way to the beach, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman walks up to them. “Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can’t do that in public!”

Embarrassed, the husband admits, “You are right, but I had a moment of weakness. We hadn’t seen each other for an entire week. Now, I’m a policeman too, and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me.”

The cop thought for a second and said, “Don’t worry… you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this b**** making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay.”

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