“Quick,” said the woman to the lover,”into the closet,” and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. “Who are you?” he asked him.

“I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,” said the exterminator.

“What are you doing in there?” the husband asked.

“I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,” the man replied.

“And where are your clothes?” asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, “Those little bastards!”

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His wife nearly faints, then she blurts out: “Why? You need to go see someone. I’m going to make an appointment with a therapist or someone tomorrow.”

The man protests, “No, no. It’s fine. Really. I’m not going to do it.”

Everything is fine for a few weeks, but then the man comes home early from work and he’s pale as a ghost. His wife inquires, “What’s the matter? You look terrible!”

The husband tells her, “Well, remember when I said I wanted to put my penis in the pickle slicer?”

The wife gasps, “You did? What happened?”

The man starts to cry. “I got fired!”

“I don’t care about that! Are you okay? What happened with the pickle slicer?”

The man sobs, “She got fired, too.”

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“My dear,” said the New York matron snobbishly, “here in the east we think breeding is everything.”

“Oh I don’t know.” said the Chicago woman. “Where I come from we think it’s fun, too, but we try to have a few outside interests as well.”

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Butcher goes to lawyer’s office and asks, “If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”

The lawyer answers, “Absolutely.”

“Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.”

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.

In a few days, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.

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Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy, William, we won’t be long, easy, boy.”

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, “It’s okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William.”

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”

“Thanks,” said the grandfather, “but I’m William ……..the little shit’s name is Jim.”

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His friends plead with him to let them drive him home.

He says ‘NO”, he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over. They check his license and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.

Just as he starts walking, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house around the block.

The police tell the party animal to stay put, they’ll be right back, and they run around the corner to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later, the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Smith (not his real name) is there and his wife says, “Yes”.

They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been there all day.

The police still have his driver’s license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage.

She opens the door.
There, sitting in the garage, is the police car … with the lights still flashing.

This story was told by the driver at his first AA meeting.

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[Five minutes later]
“Mom…”
“What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?”
“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”
[Five minutes later]
“Mom…”
“WHAT?”
“I’m THIRSTY…Can I have a glass of water??”
“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!”
[Five minutes later]
“Mom…”
“WHAT??!!”
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a glass of water?”

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He said, “My dad’s way faster than either of yours, he can throw a