“Ma’am,” he explained, “I’m on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper so I can earn a dollar.”

“Wow,” the woman replied. “Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?”

“My babysitter’s boyfriend.”

]]>

The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.
“Now try lifting your dress up your thighs”… this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, “Now, tell HIM you have a headache.”

]]>

“Well,” explained the husband, “it all goes back to our honeymoon. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.”

“We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, ‘That’s once.’ We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly spoke: ‘That’s twice.’ We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse, hopped down off the beast, and shot the mule dead.”

“I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, ‘That’s once.’”

]]>

So he waits 14 agonizing years – accumulating all his words – before approaching his beloved. Finally, the big day arrives. When he sees her, his heart skips a beat.

He gathers his nerve, drops to his knees, and intones, “My darling, I have waited many years to say this – will you marry me?”

The princess turns around, smiles, and says, “Pardon?”

]]>

One of the boys replied, “This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we’ve decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog.”

Of course, the Reverend was taken aback. “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!” he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning with, “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie?” and ending with, “Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie.”

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the Reverend was beginning to think he’d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, “All right, give him the dog.”

]]>

“Well, son,” asked Joe Sr, “how is married life treating you?”

“Not very well, I’m afraid,” sighed Junior. “It seems I married a nun.”

“A nun?” his father questioned.

“That’s right,” moaned Joe Jr. “None in the morning, none at night, and none at all unless I beg!”

Joe Sr nodded knowingly and slapped his boy on the back a couple of times.

“Why don’t we all get together for dinner tonight and have a nice talk?”

Young Joe smiled, “Say, Dad, that’s a great idea!”

“Fine,” replied Joe Sr, “I’ll call home and tell the Mother Superior to set two extra plates.”

]]>