To keep tradition going, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride’s and groom’s families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the living daylights out of each other.

The Police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appeared in Cavan court.

The fight continues in the courtroom until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, “Silence in Court!”

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the Best Man, stands up and says, “Judge, I was the Best Man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.”

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.

Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional at a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, “Okay. Continue.”

“Well,” said Paddy, “After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song when – all of a sudden -  the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.”

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, “God, that must have hurt!”

“Hurt?!” Paddy replies, “He broke three of me fingers!”

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One says, “Did you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?”

“BUGGER !” says his friend. “And I just joined Rotary…..”

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a. Superior breeding.
b. Superior training.
c. Superior breeding and training.
d. They have seen what happens to the sheep …

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She faints inside your car. That’s not good.
You take her to a hospital where they say she’s pregnant and congratulate you. That’s bad.
You say you’re not the father, but she says you are. That’s stressful.
You request a DNA test to prove it’s not yours, which it does. That’s a relief.
The doctor adds that you’re infertile. That’s terrible.
Then you remember you have three kids at home!

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A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn’t stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, ‘I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?’

‘My wife’s.

”What happened to her?’

The man replied, ‘My dog attacked and killed her’

He inquired further, ‘But who is in the second hearse?’

The man answered, ‘My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.’

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

‘Can I borrow the dog?’

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The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians.

One wizard told the king, “If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.”

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he announced a competition: Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king’s wealth.

Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel but, alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt but, alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was went away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, “Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.”

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red with embarrassment. She felt something hard.  She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

– Question: What was in the prince’s pants?
– Answer: M&M’s, of course, they melt in your mouth, not in your hand!
– What were you thinking, you perverts? Hehehe!

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One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cockwas missing.

He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked the congregation, ‘Has anybody got a cock?’

All the men stood up.
‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?’

All the women stood up.

‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them?’

Half the women stood up.

‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?’

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

The priest fainted.

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To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared and where he had carved “I love you, Sally”.

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, and they don’t know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money and it comes to  fifty-thousand dollars!

“We’ve got to give it back,” says the husband.

“Finders keepers,” she says, and puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money. They  show up at the home of the childhood sweethearts. One knocks on the door and the couple open it, he says: “Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?”

She says: “No.”

The husband says: “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”

“Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile,” she says.

But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. “Tell us the story from the beginning,” says one of the agents.

“Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday …”

At this, the FBI guy looks at his partner and says:,”We’re outta here …”

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‘What about trying Viagra?’ asked the doctor.

‘Not a chance’, she said. ‘He won’t even take an aspirin.’

‘Not a problem,’ replied the doctor. ‘Give him an ‘Irish Viagra’. It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it.. Give it
a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.’

It wasn’t a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as  to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, ‘Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!

T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!’

‘Really? What happened?’ asked the doctor.

‘Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with
his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and
there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!’

‘Why so terrible?’ asked the doctor, ‘Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?’

‘Feckin jaysus, ’twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin here, I’ll never be able to show me face in gloria jean’s again!’

IRISH COFFEE]]>