A small old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, “Well, she’s there!”

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After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says.

They nod and send him away.

Seven more years pass.

They bring him back in and ask for his two words.

He clears his throats and says, “Bad food.”

They nod and send him away.

Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. “I quit,” he says.

“That’s not surprising,” the elders say. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”

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In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of splinters lodged in her crotch area.  In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest doctor, and told him she was an environmentalist and how she got all the splinters.

The doctor, who was no environmentalist, listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited for 3 hours before the doctor reappeared. Angry, the woman demanded, ‘What took you so long?’

“Well… replied the doctor, “…I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency;  the Forestry Service; the National Parks and Wildlife Service; the Wilderness Society and the Department of Conservation and Land Management before I could remove “old growth timber” from a “recreational area”

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Then I found a receipt for $45 for makeup.

“Wait a minute!” I said to my wife. “I gave up beer; you haven’t given up anything!”

“I buy makeup so I look pretty for you,” she replied.

I told her, “Hell, that’s what the beer was for!” …

I don’t think she’ll be back.

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The biker pulled over, thought about it, and said, “Build a bridge to New Zealand so I can ride over anytime I want.”

The Lord said: “Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.”

The biker thought real hard about it for a long time. Finally, he said, “Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

There was a long silence. Then The Lord replied: “You want two lanes or four on that bridge”?

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“Not yet,” said the little boy.

His mother  tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he’s a little  ticked off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to  feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any  milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you  don’t get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow, so for a week you  aren’t getting any milk.”

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at  his mother with a smile and says, “You going to tell him, or should  I?”

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All the clerks look at each other, and one says, “What’s a seven-ten cap?”

She says, “You know, it’s right on the engine. Mine got lost and some how and I need a new one.”

“What kind of a car is it on?” the clerk asked.

“It’s a Toyota.”

“Okay lady, how big is it?”

She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.

The clerk asks, “What does it do?”

“I don’t know, but its always been there.”

By now, the manager has come over. He hands the lady a note pad and asks her if she could draw a picture of it. The customer carefully draws a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. In the center she writes “710.”

The guys behind the counter, who are looking at the drawing upside down, can barely control their laughter as the boss walks to a shelf, grabs an OIL cap and puts in on the counter.

“That’s it!” the lady says. “How much?”

“It’s on the house,” the manager replied. “Please come back often. You have no idea how entertaining it was waiting on you.”

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Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, ‘Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,’ arching his eyebrows.

The Irishman then replies, ‘Well… it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.’

The Greek retorts, ‘We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.’

The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says, ‘Irish were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.’

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, ‘The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!’

The Irishman replies, ‘Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women.’

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Seven Dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

“Grumpy, my son,” says the Pope, “What can I do for you?”

Grumpy asks,  “Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any Dwarf Nuns in Rome?”

The Pope wrinkles  his brow at the odd question, thinks for a

Moment And answers, “No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.”

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back,  “Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?”

The Pope, puzzled  now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, “No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe..”

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy  turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, “Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf Nuns Anywhere in the world?”

The Pope, really  confused by the questions says, “I’m sorry, my Son, There are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.”

The other dwarfs  collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding  the floor,  tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting……

“Grumpy shagged a penguin!”
“Grumpy shagged a penguin!”

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The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later the sound of loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

“That Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek,” thought the little old Greek lady.

“That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady who slapped his cheek,” thought the young blonde Swiss woman with large breasts.

“That Australian bloke must have tried to grope that blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead,” thought the Kiwi guy.

“I can’t wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that Kiwi guy again,” thought the Aussie bloke.

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