her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m
sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet..

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a
few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner
looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front
paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few
minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and
also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on
its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the
room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a
bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried,
“$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the
bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s
now $150.

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When asked for his description, she told the officer, “He’s 35 years old, 6 foot 4, weighs 185 pounds, has blue eyes, blond wavy hair, an athletic build, is soft-spoken, and good with children.”

Her neighbour protested, “Your husband is short, bald, fat, and mean.”

“True, the wife replied, “but who’d want him back?”

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He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University of Mississippi, and I need some help.

“If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14 percent, how much would take off?”

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

You gotta love those Mississippi women!

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The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!”

He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife.

“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks.

“No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”

“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk.

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To my surprise he threw it into my microwave oven and turned it on. Instantly I got very upset, because the CD had become precious to me, but he said: ‘Do not worry, it is unharmed.’ After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said: ‘Take a close look at it.’To my surprise the CD was quite cold to hold and it seemed to be heavier than before.

At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription, an inscription finer than anything I had ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:

12413AEB2ED4FA5E6F7D78E78BEDE820945
092OF923A40EElOE5IOCC98D444AA08EI324

‘I cannot understand the fiery letters,’ I said in a timid voice. ‘No but I can,’ he said ‘The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode,but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says:

One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them

It is only two lines from a verse long known in System-lore:

Three OS’s from corporate-kings in their towers of glass,
Seven from valley-lords where orchards used to grow,
Nine from dotcoms doomed to die,
One from the Dark Lord Gates on his dark throne
In the Land of Redmond where the Shadows lie.
One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them,
In the Land of Redmond where the Shadows lie.

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She drives all the way into Little Rock to apply for a passport. In the passport office, the government official sees that she is visibly puzzled filling her passport application.

The passport official looks over her shoulder and sees the blonde trying to write ‘twice a week’ into the small space labeled ‘SEX.’ The official explains: “No, no, no.. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking ‘Male’ or ‘Female.’”

“Doesn’t matter,” the blonde answers.

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As yet, the shop wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One of the men said to the other, “I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, “What are you selling here?”

One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling arse-holes.”

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, “Must be doing well … Only two left.”

Pensioners — don’t mess with them!

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One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, “I’ll give you $100 if you let me screw you.”

But the girl said, “NO”.

Johnny said, “Ill be fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up.”

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, “Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won’t even be able to get  his pants down.”

So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened?

She wailed, “The bastard used coins!”

Business Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

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