She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is! “My stupid computer keeps saying, ‘YOU’VE GOT MAIL’ and there’s nothing in the mailbox!”

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The sergeant-major accompanied the young officer on his rounds, in the course of which the cook-house was inspected. Pointing to a large copper of water just commencing to boil, the officer said:

“Why does that water only boil round the edges of the copper and not in the centre?”

“The water round the edge, sir,” replied the veteran, “is for the men on guard; they have their breakfast half an hour before the remainder of  the company.”

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Personally I prefer jokes that you have to think about a little or that are simply showing you have a dirty mind .. oh I mean you reached an incorrect assumption rather than the slap in the face jokes. The only slap stick comedian I ever liked was Jerry Lewis because he was so perfect at it, anyway just a waffle for the start of the day.

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He replied, “Replace your hearing aid battery!”

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One is engaged, one is a mistress and, of course, I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here’s how it all went:

My engaged friend — The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.’ Then we made love all night long.

The mistress — Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story — When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.

As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, “What’s for dinner, Batman?”

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“Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

• In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant.
• In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant.
• In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.
• In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.
• In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant.
• In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant.
• In the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.
• In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

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The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.

“Honey, what’s for dinner?” Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her.

Finally, she answers, “For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!”

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My mom told my dad to “go and pick up anything he wants”.

Without a word, he picked up my mom.

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